


Abridged Title: In Which Karkat Vantas Worries About Dating Someone he Formerly Cosidered a Douchebag

by childishPoultrylord



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humanstuck, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-12
Updated: 2013-06-12
Packaged: 2017-12-14 17:36:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/839550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/childishPoultrylord/pseuds/childishPoultrylord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His friend Sollux Captor exhibits pale and/or even auspisticisistic qualities to console him and advise him on relationship decisions relating to as-mentioned douchebag.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Don’t get your panties in a twist, dude, it’ll be all right.” Sollux’s lisp turned his words into, “panteeth in a twitht,” as he twisted his spinning computer chair back-and-forth. Karkat would normally mock Sollux’s speech impediment if it weren’t for the fact that he was currently in the middle of a panic attack.

“But he’s so hot, dude,” Karkat sobbed, “why the fuck would he want to go out with me?” Karkat paced nervously around the room. Sollux gave him a long stare, successfully keeping himself from frustratedly gnawing Karkat’s skull.

“Okay, what’s up with you, KK, because the last I knew you thought Strider was the biggest douchebag this side of the universe, now you’re so wet for him you’re already begging for his jizz to be all up in your face.” Sollux was suddenly grabbed by the shoulders and dragged within an inch of Karkat’s seething, desperate eyes.

“I hadn’t seen his fucking face, cockwad. Fucking one pic on a message board and now my hormones are raging floods of Strider, and I can barely fucking shake my dick clean without imagining him touching it. Do you understand me?” Karkat let Sollux go, and the gangly dude fell back into his computer chair.

“I get it, yes. T-M-I, but I get it.” Sollux rubbed at his shoulders gingerly. Karkat’s fingernails had briefly dug into fless before pulling his shirt, and Karkat had a bad habit of neglecting his fingernails. “Clip your fucking claws, would you? I think you drew blood.”

Karkat interrupted his pacing to shoot Sollux a glare before continuing again, purposely walking headfirst into the wall. He braced his hands against it so that he could draw his head back for another soft, thwack!, “why me, Sollux? Why this? Why him? Why is this happening?” Each phrase punctuated with the soft thump of Karkat hitting the wall with his head again and again.

Sollux could only sigh in response, rubbing his forehead in exasperation. Karkat’s melodrama was wearing on him. He looked up to see Karkat had stopped beating his head against the wall to rest. The side of his face against his arm, and was looking at him moodily from the corner of his eye. Sollux rolled his eyes. “Do you think he’s gonna prank you or something? Going to stand you up for shits and giggles?”

Karkat’s eyes rolled upward and he closed his eyes, turning so his entire face was buried in the fabric of his shirtsleeve. “I don’t fucking know,” he said, dragging out the oh-sound dramatically, “I can’t ever fucking tell anything with him. For all I know, he could have told me he and his friends played a key role in saving the universe through playing a video game aligned against them from the start, and I still wouldn’t know if he was bullshitting or not.”

Sollux scrunched his eyebrows. “That was oddly specific.”

“I dunno, it was the first thing that came to mind.”

“Yeah, but it feels, like, weirdly familiar? Was that, like, a TV show or something?”

“It sounds like it’d be something stupidly complex, like that Lost bullshit or whatever.”

Sollux sat in his chair, a look of deep concentration on his face. After a minute and a half of not moving, he shook his head, his shoulders relaxing from their tensed position. “Nah, nothing I can think of. Probably something I saw on the internet.”

“Whatever.” Karkat resumed his pacing. “So. Strider.”

“Yeah, that guy.”

“What do I do?”

Sollux shrugged. “I don’t know, man. Go on the date with him?”

Karkat stared at and past Sollux, lost in thought. “Fuckin’, yeah, I should. No harm in trying, right?”

Sollux shrugged again. “Yeah, no harm in trying.”

“None at all.”

“Nope. No harm. Not a bit.”

“If he fucks me over, I’m blaming you.”

“Sweet, I’ll add it to my list of things I’ve done for you. ‘Been friends despite mutual psychosis;’ ‘Tolerates existence;’ ‘Allows to live to see the sun;’ and now ‘got Karkat laid.’ “

“You knew exactly what the fuck I meant, shitsponge.”

Sollux did a 360 in his chair, flipping Karkat the double-bird as he yelled “yolo!” Karkat tackled Sollux out of the chair, Sollux falling with a yelp as he directed he and Karkat away from the computer desk. Karkat proceeded to wail on Sollux’s scrawny form as Sollux laughed and gave a half-assed attempt to defend himself.

Karkat would probably never say such a thing aloud, but he deeply cherished the fact that he could talk to Sollux about stuff like this


	2. Chapter 2

Sollux’s nose was an inch from the screen as he searched for the last red sea shell in Under Sea Search & Find 2: Finding Atlantis. The internet and phone lines going out was driving him crazy, and when he’d called the company from his cellphone to try and figure out what was wrong, he was told that someone had hit a critical junction box and it had disconnected service to the whole area. Sollux told them that that was a load of horseshit, that was the stupidest thing, and that he was a paying customer.

The red seashell continued to elude him. He was getting fed up with this shit. His brain was going stir-crazy from playing through so many terrible games that came out of the stuffed CD case that Karkat had bought him from a garage sale. He regretted his decision to not buy a smartphone and dataplan, but he only had so much money, and with most his time being spent at home, in front of the computer, which was connected to the internet, he elected smartphones as being an unnecessary expense.

Jesus Christ he needed to find something to do. The timer buzzed and a friendly message written in bubbly letters popped up on the screen, telling him that he had run out of oxygen and had to return to the ship, but better luck next dive! That’s when he saw the red sea shell propped up against an improbably immaculate umbrella right at the front of the cluttered mess he’d been searching through.

The phone was dialing Karkat’s number faster than his brain could process it, thoughtless rage bui-

“Hello?”

“Please tell me he stood you up so you can come home and fucking save me from this  _insanity._ ” Sollux had meant it as a joke, of course, but Karkat had made a sound when he suggested being stood up that made Sollux concerned. “Oh, yo, KK, I didn’t mean it for serious, like, when’s he supposed to meet you?”

“It’s not him meeting me that’s the problem, it’s me meeting him. I’ve been standing outside the cafe staring at him idly stir coffee and shuffle a newspaper around for ten minutes now. He wasn’t just here on time, but he was  _early_ , Sollux.” Karkat’s words were tinged with an emotion smacking of panic and tears. “I don’t know if I can fucking do this, Sollux, like, is he actually being serious right now? Why the fuck would he ask me out?”

Sollux sighed, “KK, seriously, ask me that again and I bring in the bees. Strider’s obviously interested, and your crippling self-doubt is the only thing stopping you from walking in there right now. Get the fuck over yourself, dude, and go in there!” He could hear rapid puffs of breath, the in-out huffing of quickened breath as Karkat began to hyperventilate. “Dude, KK, come on, it’ll be-“

“I can’t go in there, Sollux, I can’t fucking go in there, because I’m this stupid brown midget and he’s tall and handsome-  _he’s fucking handsome,_ Sollux, not just hot but fucking  _handsome._  Why the fuck does the snot-faced, shit-stained,bloody, pustule-ridden asshole that is  _turntechGodhead_  have such a  _handsome fucking face?_ ” Karkat had stopped hyperventilating, at least. There was a hollow _, tunk!,_  followed by Karkat saying, “shit.”

“What was that?” Sollux pressed the cellphone harder to his ear, as if that would somehow make the sound clearer or answer his question.

“I fucking threw my head back because I enjoy being a dramatic fucking queen and hit my head on the window.”

“Are you oka-?”

“Fuck, Strider’s not at his table anymore.”

“Calm down, dude, he probably went to take a piss or something.”

“No he didn’t, because he’s walking out the fucking cafe door.”

“Dude, relax, act natural.”

“That’s the stupidest fucking advice you could have ever given me, cocksneeze, Why the fuck would I act natural? Do you  _want_  me to have a fucking chance with this dickshoe?” As Karkat spoke, his voice got softer and softer as it became a manic, panicked whisper. Karkat was about to speak again when a smooth baritone voice came over the phone.

“Karkat?”

Sollux could hear a tiny peep escape Karkat’s mouth.

“Carcino-genetiwhatever? Karkat Vanta-?” The call cut out as it was hung up from Karkat’s end of the line.

Sollux sighed in frustration and threew flipped the phone onto his bed. He started flipping through the CD case, hoping that there were more than just mind-numbing search-and-find game”s. “Good luck, asswipe,” he muttered as he grabbed the promising-looking disc with  _Arcade Masters_  in colorful 8-bit font.


End file.
